Shock, horror and other terrifying nouns

Bad news. (The following events are a dramatic re-enactment... and incidentally were performed in front of a studio audience.)
I'm sitting in my chair, the glorious sunshine streaming in my window and alighting upon my visage. It's enough to make grown women swoon and the most masculine of men question their suddenly turbulent emotional disturbance.
I'm also slowly spoon a chocolate pudding of immaculate sweetness into my sensual, yet manly mouth when my mother walks in, pale and quivering.
"Your grandfather... is arriving later than he said."
"Excellent news", I state, lightly spattering her in chocolate.
"But.. he's staying for another week."
I swallow the spoon and drop the rest of the pudding into my lap.
"He's... what? Never mind... I... I heard you."
A cloud darkens the sky. The light dies. Our hero starts crying, softly.

Now my family has more than it's fair share of black sheep. Indeed, one could say we have more than New Zealand's fair share of black sheep. But my grandfather has more of a... goat aspect. Stubborn, old, a tendency to bite, mostly metaphorically. He's old-school South African, so there's also an element of "Views". Indeed, if I wanted to I could just mention that my new girlfriend, the African Princess Nungi, was coming to dinner and just be done with the "problem". Don't get me wrong: I love the guy. He's just... a trial, ya know?

Okay, so it's not like it's world-ending bad news. Come on. I gotta post something.
What? You're not happy? You feel you've wasted your time reading this? Fine. What do you want? That I should get cancer? Would that make you happy? So this can be some kind of stupid "I've got a terminal disease, but I've found Jesus" blog? With bunny rabbits and little creatures wearing hats. Fine. I have cancer now. You happy? It's eating my liver. That's right. It's liver cancer. And I've just decided: I've got syphillis and... your mom's a whore. There. Now you feel like you've not wasted your time? Bastards.

Currently listening to: "Full blown AIDS" - Stephen Lynch
The most funny yet wrong song I've ever heard.