OK. So I'm going to rant. It happens. It is, as you would expect if you knew me, an awkward hour and yes, I am mildly drunk. It seems to happen a lot.

See, I listen to people. And I talk to people. And, I like to think, that I have some insight into people. It only happens with people I know well or people I can read well but I like to think it happens. So I was talking to a friend tonight and he, like both Bright and myself, is a Nice Guy. Allow me to qualify this.

Nice Guys finish last - trite but true. And here's the reason. By Nice Guys I don't mean "kind to girls, a gentleman etc" which is classically the definition. Being a Nice Guy isn't, in fact, about being "Nice". It's a state of self-definition - a state in which the Nice Guy believes several things, all contributing to his overall Nice-Ness, about himself and others. Here are some of the beliefs or thought processes of a Nice Guy:

1) What goes around comes around. Intrinsically, the Nice Guy believes that there is Someone Out There for them. This manifests itself in the liking of Poetry, Dawsons Creek and Romantic Thoughts. They believe that, if they're nice, nice things will happen to them. I'd just like to state that I've come to believe this is bullshit. It doesn't work this way. Never has, never will. Assholes get the girl and Karma, Heaven and Hell are all imaginary. It's chance, at the end of the day, that decides who you end up liking.

2) Over-Analysis. Here is where Bright and myself falter when we like a girl. Example: On a given night out, Bright or myself will see a girl we Like (by which I mean that something, whether physical or mental, attracts us to them). This will immediately lead to several stages. Stage 1 - we try to attract their attention, either by catching their eye or talking to them (if we're drunk enough to have the courage) or something along those lines. We need an excuse. Stage 2 is that we try to convey what we feel - we either brush past them or bump into them or generally do something that indicates we like them while still enabling us to claim it was an "accident." Outright saying we like them isn't our style. Stage 3 - we usually talk, usually after knowing, or thinking we know, that it's reciprocated. "I like you, you have nice eyes etc". This is assure both ourselves and them that this is something special. Something Nice. Something Different. And finally, we commence with what we want - either kissing or sex or whatever it is we want with that specific person.

So here's my major problem with Nice people, myself included. This entire facade I've described above is a waste of time. We overanalyse, doubt and basically screw ourselves over. You know, Bright, those guys we hate? The biker assholes with the incredible girls? You know why they succeed? Because none of the above ever even crosses their mind. They see a girl they like, they only need ask 3 questions:
1) Are you single or available for something?
2) I like you. Do you like me?
3) Do you want to do what I want to do?
The rest of the shit never occurs to them. Stage 1 never crosses their minds. And you know what the nice guy I was talking to tonight said when I told him this? "Well, that's the theory but..." and the thing is, it isn't a theory. It's a plan. It happens. People do this all the time. People have done this. And people will continue to do this. Because it works. But Nice Guys won't. It isn't a question of wondering whether she likes you and then getting the courage to ask her friends or finding out - just ask. If she doesn't, you've lost nothing. Again, the Nice Guy I spoke to said he "didn't want to look like a tit". And my response was this: "Fuck them". They think you look like a tit - they're just as insecure as you are and doing what they know others have done to them. So what? You look like a tit? Should it bother you? No. Because they've done worse and you've done better. Forget the fact "you've tried". That's what nice guys say to each other - "forget them - you've tried". It's not about "trying". It's not that you've "tried" because that implied you failed. You haven't failed at all. It's about doing. They think you look like a tit, fuck 'em - you've got a plan you're executing and one day it'll pay off. It's simpler than the usual shit you go through and it's easier. They girl says she doesn't like you - you've saved 5 hours of over-self-analysis and worry and you're free to like someone else as soon as you want to. Because, at the end of the day, no one else matters. You go through life alone and the closest you ever get to being not alone is when you love someone. Anyone that tells you looked like a tit or acted stupid in whatever attempt you made to not feel alone is stupid - one, in that they're denying their loneliness and two, in that they've not realised the truth.

And you know what I hate? The part that fucks me over more than anything else - is that tomorrow, despite all this stuff, I'll continue to be a Nice Guy. I'll wake up and not do anything about my life. Because I'm built that way. And every action and every Nice Thing I do will be accompanied by the derision I feel towards myself when I do it.
I hate being a Nice Guy.